I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
