his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
