Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
