Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
