How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
