I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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