Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
