I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
