I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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