you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
