do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
