is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh god it's open bar.
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