i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
