I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
