That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
