Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
