So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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