Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
