When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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