He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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