my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
