If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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