im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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