Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
