literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
