I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
