you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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