i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
