I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
