i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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