I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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