Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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