I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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