we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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