i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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