Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
