whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
