I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
