I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
