i already hear my dad disowning me
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
