my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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