I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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