i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
