I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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