I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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