In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
