i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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