if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
