so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
