I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
