By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
