cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
