Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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