Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
cat food counts as protein by the way
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
