I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
