Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
